I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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