he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
