I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
