I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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