How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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