Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Randomize
