Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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