She is in my trunk
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
