6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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