I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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