The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
