I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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