I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
