So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
