so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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