I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
