Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
