Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
