i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
