i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
