If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
