The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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