So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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