theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
