I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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