That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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