No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
