Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
