So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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