he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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