you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
