WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
