Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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