At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
