"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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