You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
