Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
