I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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