I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
