I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
