okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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