So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
