I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
