3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
