I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
