I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
