I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
