Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You were trust falling into bushes
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
