and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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