now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
