Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
